


But what if?

by sporadicPoison



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, One-Sided Attraction, Sadstuck, Unrequited Love, grimdorks - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-13
Updated: 2014-08-13
Packaged: 2018-02-13 00:05:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2129508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sporadicPoison/pseuds/sporadicPoison
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There were some things that Rose wondered, and may never know the answers to, and that killed her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	But what if?

**Author's Note:**

> just a quick venting brand of oneshot grimdork fic. sort of inspired by real feelings!

Rose lay on John Egbert's couch, her shirt loose-fitting and pajama bottoms a bright pink.  
  
A blanket was draped over her, and a few overly fluffed pillows rest beneath her head. Her eyes were glued on the screen in front of her, and even with the television running, she could hear John's murmurs from his bedroom. The apartment was small, but it was cozy. it was enough to house John and his boyfriend, and now with the added company of herself, who was temporarily camping on the Egbert couch for the next two weeks. It was times like this that she allowed her pain to be felt, letting it silently consume her as her chest ached and her head pulsed. She was absolutely miserable, but so happy to be here at the same time. It had been so long since she saw John. Much too long. Last time he didn't have this guy living with him, and last time he wasn't out as gay. No, last time was different.  
  
Last time his smile lit up her world, and his hands were so soft when they accidentally brushed against hurts, and his body was solid and warm as he embraced her frail frame. It was blissful, and nothing brought her down last time she was here. His laughter rung in her ears, and his jokes blew on the cloud above her head, erasing it completely. She couldn't help but to lose herself in the company of John Egbert. Last time, she didn't do anything, just like she didn't the time before that, the time before that, and especially this time. John had always been Rose's world, even if she didn't realize it. He was so embedded in her personality, her thoughts, her hopes and her dreams, and her very being that ruining what they had would kill her. It's why it was best that she didn't speak up, and kept it to herself, allowing the misery to wash over her when he wasn't looking. He didn't need to know. Not really. The two had such a long history together, and it would be wasteful to wreck it. Wouldn't it?  
  
When they were thirteen, Rose thought he was her best friend, and thought nothing more of him. Or so she thought.  
  
His words would cause her to smile when she thought of them, and she spoke incessantly about him to her real-life friends, especially at school. It always started along the lines of, "Oh, guess what my friend John told me the other day?" or "I remember John was talking about..." or even "You know what that fucker John told me yesterday?" or maybe even "Do you remember my online friend, John? Well, you know what he said to me last week?"  It was a constant thing, but nobody seemed to mind. The people around Rose took as much joy in her retelling of his stories as she did. Perhaps it was her constant habit of bringing him up that made everyone know it before she did, and she had realized it much too late.   
  
Every time she dreamed of John, she dreamed of kissing him or holding him, or even letting him know that she loved him if it was a nightmare. It became a joke between the two, as Rose would recount every detail she could remember, following with "And I suppose, as with all of these sorts of dreams that I have, that it was a natural course of action for my dream self to let dream John know that she loves him." And real life John would thank her for the sentiment, and they would be on with their day. She was always so glad when he dreamed of her too, but never quite realized why. Not until it was too late.   
  
The first time she saw his face in person, it was like looking at heaven itself. Rose remembered her heart skipping a beat and her face flushing so slightly, and she blamed it all on the heat of the summer air to throw John off her tracks. No, she wasn't going to admit anything. He was just a close friend. Nothing more, nothing less. It wouldn't have worked out anyway. That's what she always told herself. She liked someone else. Didn't she?  
  
Rose dated a lot in her lifetime. Sometimes she told John of her latest crush, but sometimes didn't, almost ashamed of what he would think about her fickle heart. It was when she woke up in the middle of the night next to her latest lover that she would feel unsatisfied and unhappy. Her lovers repulsed her after some time. Dating was tricky, she thought. Maybe she was just too picky. Maybe they weren't right for her. No, they weren't right. She would dump them all, leaving a trail of heartbreak in her lavender-scented wake. In the mean time, John never dated. She was sure he had only been kissed once. Somewhere deep inside her, Rose knew that she wanted to be the one to take his first kiss, but never made her intentions known. Not even when their faces were inches apart from each other, where she was completely lost in those two pools of blue that made up John's eyes, in what had to be the world's most intense staring contest. Rose didn't mind at all, because she didn't even want to blink. She might lose that fraction of a second of time that could be spent staring at John. The fact that he was staring right back thrilled her.   
  
When John started talking about the people he developed crushes on, Rose shied away, but continued to talk. Sometimes she would change the subject all together when it had gone on long enough, or simply stop replying. She knew she was jealous, but was never going to admit it. Not ever. She couldn't admit that particular piece of information to John. What if he thought she was strange? Obsessive? They were just close friends, and close friends shouldn't be jealous of each other when it came to those sorts of things. No, that was something she had to keep to herself. It was not natural to feel jealous of who your best friend was crushing on. Not at all. So she had to ignore it. The mere thought of John's crushes--any of them-- liking him back terrified Rose. What if he went out with them? What if he kissed them? What if they held hands and went on dates, and what if, god forbid, he slept with whoever it was? She tried not to think of it. The thought of him being with a person, male or female, that wasn't her sent spikes of jealousy and anxiety through her. She shouldn't feel this way about her best friend. So she kept her worries to herself, chalking it up as being over protective; not wanting him to have to face rejection and heartbreak.  
  
When Rose found someone she could be serious about is when John dropped the ball. Rose had mentioned her new girlfriend, Kanaya, a beautiful woman. She spoke of their date that day and the dress that Kanaya had gifted to Rose to wear for the next time. John was happy for her, because he always was. That's when he said it. Rose remembered the bashful look on his face as they spoke over webcam, and the way he said it. " _You know, I'm so happy you found someone. She sounds like she's really good for you! It's kinda funny, here I was all jealous over all the other people you ever dated. I'm over it now, but isn't it funny how I had a crush on you for the longest time?_ " Rose faked a smile, laughing along with John, her heart breaking in the process.  
  
He liked her too. He had liked her too. He liked her while she was going through partners just like she went through changes of clothes, and he liked her through everything she said to him and every single day they talked and all the dreams she had about him and all the ones he had about her and the time he came to visit her and when she came to visit him and now he was gay and had a boyfriend and they lived together but it could have been her if she said something; it could have been her kissing him and holding him in her arms and what if she had just admitted her feelings and what if she had kissed him during their staring contests or licked cupcake icing off his face or even just fucking said that she had feelings for him and what if she had done something, anything differently--  
  
A tear slipped out of the corner of Rose's eye, and she curled up on herself a little bit more.  
  
 _What if?_


End file.
